Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
