Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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