woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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