Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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