you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
