If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
