This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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