I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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