Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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