I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
