my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
