our cab driver is having phone sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
