If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
