Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
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Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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