so let's talk penis.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.