I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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it's like heaven, but drunker
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
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It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies