She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
