the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
