When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I love you.
Bad choice
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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