i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
