Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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