Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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