Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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