I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
