Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We had to coat check the pizza.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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