Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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