Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
