Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
