to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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