I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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