just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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