HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
