I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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