im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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