I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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