Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
