I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
