Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
