Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
