Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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