i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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