My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
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can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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