u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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