I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
