Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
