Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
