The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
