yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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