just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
