I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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