If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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