is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone came in the potted fern
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
