Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
