I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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