Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
