plz talk dirty to me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
zippers are such a cool invention
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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