My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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