WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
